Dear Carrier Bag Carriers

Dear Carrier bag carriers of England,

I for one will not forget your sacrifice. You carried so many carrier bags and yet now when the Prime Minister says he will launch an inquiry into why your efforts have not been acknowledged such a promise rings hollow as far as I’m concerned. Usually, you carried one but three or four was not out of the question.

You were to be seen in Doncaster, Sheffield and Uttoexeter lugging heavy items such as vinyl, dairy produce and shoe boxes, cufflinks, tights and pornographic magazines. You often had to stop and rearrange the bags because one arm was hurting or your hands were sore.

You can tell people to do anything in the name of vanity and they will do it. Take art galleries. Nobody in their right mind would travel to a building and stare at frames of colour and form on a wall unless possessed of a notion that it was somehow invigorating -intellectually, sexually or pretentiously- and yet the art on the side of a carrier bag is cherished by whom?

In 1981 people were carrying authentic 50 year jubilee Tesco carrier bags, which is odd given that in 2019 Tesco celebrated their 100^th anniversary –they suddenly got 12 years older– but you may never discover that when researching 1981 because all the 1981 carrier bags have gone. Who will fight their corner now?

Will Ed Sheeran sing about 1981 Tesco carrier bags? I think not. Will Ariana Grande sing about them? Fuck me, no. What about the buy now pay 1989 Rumbelows carrier bag?

Tell me, how is it that some archetypal attention seeker on a weekend gets out his MG Midget –which is a death trap – compared to modern cars, or his E type Jag or his 80s Ford Capri and swans about thinking that it’s really cool to remind himself of simpler times but does not carry a Rumbelows buy now pay 1989 carrier bag? I don’t get it.

I have drawn up a list of demands. I want to take some of the money that’s used to subsidise theatres for the middle class and spend it on spreading carrier bag awareness. Actually, I want a carrier bag awareness day. That’s all I’m saying. I think 2020 will go down as the year that people said enough is enough.